When the heart shifts…

It’s funny to think that I came to write at this point in my life with the specific goal  of sharing how my love has changed. To be reminded of my previous post where I must have been again overthinking my attachment to my friend who I do still love but now in the correct way. It’s kind of like, for lack of a better comparison, a Jacob Black moment where something that he had been connected to and drawn to and so worshipful of finally had their steel cords dragging him everywhere sliced with a flaming ninja sword.

Now of course my situation is nowhere as dramatic as that. But, and don’t get me wrong a part of me feels like I am betraying my friends heart and in a way I am. In my own way anyway.

God really does answer prayers. For a long time I had been so invested in my said friend, cared so much about him, loved him dearly, thought of him constantly and felt some kind of strict obligation to do anything and everything for him if he would allow it. But as he is the grown ass man that he is there was never any way that that was going to happen.

Now the blessing in disguise that has appealed itself to our situation or lack thereof is the fact that he is now seeing someone. And in all honesty I did feel some kind of loss like a little light switched off inside of me the day I realised that  my best friend was no longer going to be my best friend anymore. He didn’t see the reasoning behind my tearful, drunken, angered, upset, betrayed, facebook unfriending adult-tanty and neither did my sisters or friends who knew about or had to witness (i fully apologise for this sight and for you all having to calm my angry drunk on soju ass down 🙂 🙂 ) my ugly angry cry.

But I knew then like so many before what was going to happen, like the distance, the secrets and the injokes that no longer felt appropriate, the amount of hugs changing to none, the i love you g, or i love you friend becoming one sided and awkward, left to hang in the awkward third wheeling wind like a tumble weed making its way through a crowded Saturday night Teheran-ro central Gangnam, Seoul City, South Korea. Yeah. Out of place and awkward as…

Anywho… violin moment over. It also made me realise other things. Like in constantly hanging out with said friend and spending so much time happy together with the guy I had made myself sacrifice so many other things. I have come to realise that I am a really interesting person to some people. I have come to realise that I had spent so much of my time tied to my friend that I didn’t make enough time to meet or to even talk to people outside of my small circle except to say hi and goodbye.

I’ve realised that  if I put myself out there its not going to kill me and that people actually like me… for me rather than just out of respect for my friend. For example in the  weekend just gone I was able to talk for a long time and really connect with a guy who I had met coincidentally through my friend yet had only known him on the surface rather than as a person.

And… you know what… God willing I might look into this person. Because I don’t  feel a tinge of regret at having a little interest in him.

A few months left here in Korea so I may as well live them fully. Doing what makes me absolutely happy.

Like go to church, to fellowship with others, chill with my girls, travel, love my family, reevaluate what love really means to me and also reevaluate whether I’m ready or not to go into this whole realm of love thing or not.

Excited  thoughts, healthy thoughts, thanks for the wings lord, enough of being the side kick… time to be the centre of my own lens.

 

Faafetai Iesu mo aiga, mo uo, mo ou faamanuiaga uma.

 

Thank you Lord for transforming my heart and bringing me right back to you again and to this interesting person who loves you.

Amen

 

Heart Hummings…

This is an offloading…

First of all…

My family

For the past three weeks I have had the amazing opportunity to be in the presence of my two beautiful sisters who i hadn’t seen in a year and half, caught in lifes wind that bought me to work here in yeoksam, gangnam, seoul, south korea.

and the reunion has been beautiful.

at first they were supposed to have left after a week but my love for them and need for them to be close to me and with some convincing from my baby sister and a friend (YOLO sis!!! What other opp will you have, or will they have??? Gap the flight and handle the B.S later) and here they are lying asleep in my apartment after another eventful day and night trying to experience what seoul has to offer.

having my babies (theyre actually 12 and 20) so close to me and being enraptured in their company, experiencing exactly how much they have grown through their changed attitudes, the gargantuan sizes of their personalities and their reactions to new situations and people have allowed me this small window of time to learn more about them and how they have developed while i have been gone for so long.

despite the distance, the time, the new experiences that have shaped us each individually one thing that remains is our mutual love and respect for each other. this is something that i will always hold dear because at first i did feel nervous as to whether the individual experiences that we werent able to share with each other and therefore mutually learn from, would have changed us in such a way that meant we would not be able to meaningfully connect with each other again.

i always knew that it wouldn’t be the same as we had all grown up in the 1.7 year absence from each others presence.

but the love remains and has grown and developed to meet each other exactly where each of us are at in the moment.

and its such a beautiful thing.

to have that constance

that love.

that trust

that friendship

that adaptability

my sisters how i love you both!!!

xox

 

your big sister

I never meant to be … Drunk and dramatic

So something that has been weighing pretty heavily on my mind over the past few days i may have been slightly over dramatic in the past week in that i cried over someone who i have come to realise i love and trust and care about way too much.

It’s actually quite hard for me to come to terms with and I am trying my best to try and distance myself from the situation.

Everything that I know based on sense and logic and my experience with romantic comedic movies and such point to me basically being in love with the guy and don’t get me wrong he is an amazing guy and I do love him but ffs… i cannot love him in that way.

And you know what even writing this blog post i still do not even know any reason why i shouldn’t love the guy except that i can’t love the guy and that i really shouldn’t and i don’t know why except that i am scared.

I am scared shitless.

 

What if I really am in love with him.

What if I actually fucking like the guy.

That is not a territory that I ever want to put myself in.

I’m jealous.

I am actually jealous.

How disgusting this is the kind of person I never ever wanted to be as if there was ever a chance or even an inkling of feeling within him that might think of me other than a sister or friend.

 

For fucks sake.

 

Leave me be dammit you amazing person.

You amazing, caring, kind individual.

You intelligent, sensitive, thoughtful child.

You wonderful human being who makes me feel at once safe and insecure at the same time.

Get thee far away from me because you are making me feel uncomfortable with myself.

I’ve been in love before and I did not enjoy it at all.

I made myself vulnerable gave it my all and then all I was left with were the broken pieces of myself to stick back together after giving up my identity as a supportive girlfriend who answered to the whims of one individual.

It’s not a freedom that I am willing to give up at the moment.

Dear God,

please help me to get over this person and get my head straight so that I can see our relationship for what it really is.

A friendship.

 

Friend ship.

Friend.

Fry your friends and that’s the end.

 

Until next time…

 

Yours truly,

 

Chocolate Sasalapa

Meandering thoughts that turn to direction

13th March 2016 3.03 am

 

Hellurrrrrrrrrrr…

 

So now all of a sudden I have turned 27 years old and it has got me fully reflecting on my life.

Tonight has been a strange accumulation of thoughts. I’m wondering about what tomorrow might bring and I’m wondering about the different events that may or may not take place in my life. All of these things that I basically have no control over.

 

One thing that I do know for sure in terms of what i really want for myself is my relationship with my God. It has been a long time coming but in all honesty it hasn’t felt so right before. Where my life was seemingly going down the wrong path and my “mind was telling me NOOOOOOO… but my body kept telling me YEHESS”… man that was an uncool period.

 

I’m not saying that I’m going to catapult myself into change but I am definitely saying that there will be changes. Slow changes that I will be making today to prepare me for my tomorrow.

When I prayed finally (it had been a really long time) and came before my God with my questions and all my uncertainty I found my answers in the bible.

 

It seems cliche Christian and quite frankly I don’t care. What I do care about is the finality and the strange concentration of answers that bring me stability of body, mind and spirit. Clarity. Calm. Peace. Love. Joy.

 

In a midst of utter confusion I was able to find the answers that I had been searching for. When I started to worry I was guided instead to Matthew 6: 25-34 which told me not to worry, that God would provide, that worry wouldn’t improve or enhance or elongate my life by any fraction. It reminded me that the only thing I really can do is live in the now, second by second, minute by minute. Decision by decision.

 

Then when I tried to find someone to blame for the turn of life’s events or the ideas that had been pulling me further and further away I was shown Matthew chapter 7 which challenged me. How can you point out the speck in your brother’s eye when you have a log in your own? First remove that log in your eye so that you can better see how you can come close to removing the speck in your brother’s. Again I was reminded to treat others the way that you would want to be treated.

Furthermore the good book pointed me in A DIRECTION. Direction is something that I really truly needed at that point in my life I felt so aimless, grasping at ropes that lead to nowhere, without hope. It was really quite a strange, foreign and insecure place to be in and then immediately I was given the message: Knock and the door will open, seek and you will find ask and then it will be given to you.

 

It’s so strange to have come from a family, a home, a place where I always had my parents, family, friends to fall back on and count on to rejuvenate me in thought, in mind and in spirit; to be transplanted to a place where I had none of that and try to foster a new and chosen version of that family, home and place in a foreign land.

 

When a friend came to stay with me it reminded me also of the faith and the hope that our ancestors, our grandparents and parents that migrated across lands and oceans in the hope for a better future.

How our parents may have endured this same kind of stalemate. This same kind of adjustment. The same kinds of distractions that would make them veer from their path.

 

And yet look at how they have turned out now.

 

The one thing that my journey and my parents’ journey have in common most definitely is faith. Faith that there would be a clearer day tomorrow. Faith in God that strives to keep pushing us forward second by second, minute by minute. Decision by decision.

God bless our parents. God bless each or us as we paddle our canoes to find different oceans and make our families, homes and place founded on the God of direction.

 

Yesterday is history, today is a gift.

Jammin my heart out to the sultry sounds of aaradnah out here in Gangnam, Seoul, South Korea.

Man it has been such a long time since I moved my inexperienced behind across the seas.

Any differences to how I felt before heading out here.

The people that I knew, know and loved befor I moved here will be able to see that difference. For me I know that there are several questions that have been answered. Morals that have been confirmed and teachings from my parents that I know now were always for the best.

Despite the beauty that I have found in my perpetually disorganised existence, a bruised past has yet again come back into my life.

A friend that I love and trust and consider family by this point has suffered similar scars.

rewind<<<<<<<<

These scars when I originally began to acknowledge them became what defined my life and my identity. Gone were the titles and identities that I had accumulated of daughter, student, friend, go-getting independent young woman, sister, granddaughter, niece, church family member, literacy lover, writer, book nerd, opinionated young woman. Beautiful inside and out by popular misconception.

I just became one word in my mind. Abused. The thing about being abused and labelling yourself as abused is that it comes with an eternity of different epithets. Powerless. Fearful. Self-Questioning. Ignored. Unheard. Voiceless. Unstable. Distraught. Rebel without a cause. Hateful. Self-loathing. Lifeless. Soulless. Meaningless. Worthless. Disgusting. Ugly from the inside out. Spiteful. Mistrusting. Misunderstood. Deprived. Vengeful. Oftentimes suicidal.

It’s an undestatement to say “it was not a fun time.”

But this was the catchphrase that I had coined whenever (after finally finding the courage to) I would voice the fact that I was abused, mentally, physically and sexually.

By someone who was loved by my family.

Someone who a lot of my brothers and fellow family members looked up to and wanted to be like.

It is extremely discomforting to see my abuser. Even after all of this time he still has the nerve to say hi to me and expect recognition from me.

Here’s the part that many people myself included will be baffled by.

I say hi back.

That’s right, no misprint, no mistake I still say hi to the motherfucker.

For a long time I thought it was the right thing to do.

To bury the hatchet. To let bygones be bygones. What sexual abuse and psychological manipulation? Pfffffffffffffft… it’s in the past. The past isn’t in my present.

All of those mantras that we as humans find comfort in from past mistakes and mishaps.

But something got me wondering.

Why should I still have contact with him?

Why should I care about how he feels?

Why should I accept him still as a family member?

Why should I have to endure his presence when all it is is an illusion?

Nothing takes away from the fact that he changed my innocent perspective.

Nothing can change the fact that he did these horrible things to me as a child for a prolonged amount of time.

Nothing can remove this from my mind, from my past.

I’m thankful that after such a long time of wayward wandering, overthinking, meditating, re-creating my life, changing my perspective of myself. After finally accepting that whatever happened in the past, this black mark on my life’s story, I was completely blameless. That I didn’t do anything to deserve it. That I was only a child at the time. After finally trusting this new information and being set free from my self hate I realised that it was all him. He made the decision. He manipulated me into believing that it was a normal interaction between cousins. He filled my mind with ideas of reciprocating disgusting acts. In absolutely no way at all did I contribute to the beginning of this encounter. All I did was be young and innocent and apparently that is sexually attractive for some people.

I was five.

That started 21 years ago and lasted for what seemed like a lifetime.

I forgave him only for my peace of mind. He doesn’t deserve a place in my future and I am not interested in what happens to his. But he wants to send me a fb friend request. He wants to like my statuses.

After talking to my friend who showed me his wounds he asked why and how people are able to keep communicating with people who treated another human being so inhumanely.

And I couldn’t come up with any reasons.

Except to keep the peace.

But who is he that I should be afraid?

Am I still that scared little five year old girl who was manipulated away from playing with my family members?

No.

I am strong, successful young woman who is living her life by God’s grace.

A life that though forgiveness is needed for future progress and sound mind no longer has time or energy left for people who bring or represent hate.

People who don’t acknowledge that they are in fact disgusting human beings who tortured souls and caused damage and shattered lives.

Above all what I realised is that damaged is a state of mind.

And that is not what I am today.

So may God forgive that person as I will delete that person from my future and life.

Free. In love with today. No looking back.

Living on a prayer…

6/5/2015

Good afternoon,

Today marks the 6th day of a weight loss challenge that two friends of mine and I have embarked on. Each day we have been given a challenge to complete alongside diet and exercise.

Yesterdays challenge and todays challenge have given me a lot to ponder.

Todays challenge was to look ourselves seriously in the mirror and say “I love myself”. Even before I had looked in the mirror I realised that I really didn’t. Ciggarette in hand on a Saturday morning after an amazing Friday night couldn’t take away the sinking feeling. The cold fist of reality punched me into my real state of mind.

Why was I smoking? Why was I drinking? What was the happiness that I felt lastnight in that moment?

Many thoughts come to mind.

Three lines of thought that are kinda heavy at the moment:

  1. Yesterdays challenge was to do something that made me feel amazing deep down in my soul. Soul smiling. And honestly in that moment lastnight I felt bliss, I smiled like I have not felt in a long time. I was sitting in a bar, with good friends who I knew would have my back and most of all I was listening to music that reminded me of my dad. My dad who I really love and adore. But at the moment my dad doesn’t want to speak to me because in Korea I broke the promise that I would not drink here.

2. Living in the moment as amazing and astounding and mysterious as it may sound or be is not my reality. Everything that I feel in moments of drunkenness whether it be pure amazement at the love and the life in my surrounding or surges of courageousness 😉 only goes into the next day through memory. Not through actual happiness. With no disrespect to those who live in the moment, this is a personal blog full of… well essentially everything according to me. Though these may ring true with others.

3. Loving myself. I will love myself. I love myself. These mantras will only come into being if I do it properly. In order to do that I have to work hard so that I can become a version of myself that I acutally like and in the long term, love. Loving myself is going to take more that just a moment in time. Because you can’t just leave the parts of yourself that you don’t like on the barstool or the bar counter or at the nightclub in the same way that you discard your receipts, your phone number, your beer bottles or embarassing dance memories.

You are stuck with yourself for life. You follow yourself into the next day. You are there at the end of the carnage of a killer Friday night. You are there after the moment.

You are the one that has to wake up to your reality.

You and I need to take care that we don’t count our days by our moments but by what we choose to do with them.

You are worth more than just one moment.

Girls Just wanna have fun…

23/05/2015

For the last two weekends I have been going out Friday night and coming back home well into Saturday.

Not the kind of lifestyle that I would have chosen for myself but it is a great stress relief.

The only worry now is my financial situation.

I have also broken the promise that I had made to my dad about drinking alcohol here in Seoul City, South Korea.

I do feel an immense amount of disappointment in myself for not sticking to the original plan.

But at the same time I have had two incredible weeks where I have been much happier in my job.

And if a teacher is a happy one, I have realised, it exudes through you and hits your children.

My students have been notedly much more happy in the past week.

I absolutely love my students and it has taken me the best part of the last three to four months to finally wake up and acknowledge that first of all.

First of all I need to work on my self.

What makes me happy? What kind of activities and things do I enjoy doing? How can I incorporate these things into my classes so that my students might experiences a more interactive classroom?

The hagwon life as many a foreigner here in Apgujeong-Itaewon-Gangnam etc areas have identified is one where you have your balls stapled to your desk until you complete your textbooks.

But who said that teaching a textbook had to remain the incredibly boring hell pit never ending repetitive cycle of mental abuse?

Why not use the content in your text book to plan your classes in a more activities based framework?

After having my first amazing weekend I realised that my creative juices were actually flowing. Like legitimately.

I found myself happy and wanting to try out new ideas. Having my mind refreshed instead of carrying the burden of each week into the next one and just basically snowing myself under and killing myself, physically, mentally and emotionally.

I became a much angrier person. A bitter person.

The kind of person that I absolutely did not ever want to become… What was happening to me.

After actually relaxing in the weekend I felt loads better!!!! 🙂

Lighter. Freer. Beautiful inside exuding outwards…

I feel like the me that I want to be.