When the heart shifts…

It’s funny to think that I came to write at this point in my life with the specific goal  of sharing how my love has changed. To be reminded of my previous post where I must have been again overthinking my attachment to my friend who I do still love but now in the correct way. It’s kind of like, for lack of a better comparison, a Jacob Black moment where something that he had been connected to and drawn to and so worshipful of finally had their steel cords dragging him everywhere sliced with a flaming ninja sword.

Now of course my situation is nowhere as dramatic as that. But, and don’t get me wrong a part of me feels like I am betraying my friends heart and in a way I am. In my own way anyway.

God really does answer prayers. For a long time I had been so invested in my said friend, cared so much about him, loved him dearly, thought of him constantly and felt some kind of strict obligation to do anything and everything for him if he would allow it. But as he is the grown ass man that he is there was never any way that that was going to happen.

Now the blessing in disguise that has appealed itself to our situation or lack thereof is the fact that he is now seeing someone. And in all honesty I did feel some kind of loss like a little light switched off inside of me the day I realised that  my best friend was no longer going to be my best friend anymore. He didn’t see the reasoning behind my tearful, drunken, angered, upset, betrayed, facebook unfriending adult-tanty and neither did my sisters or friends who knew about or had to witness (i fully apologise for this sight and for you all having to calm my angry drunk on soju ass down 🙂 🙂 ) my ugly angry cry.

But I knew then like so many before what was going to happen, like the distance, the secrets and the injokes that no longer felt appropriate, the amount of hugs changing to none, the i love you g, or i love you friend becoming one sided and awkward, left to hang in the awkward third wheeling wind like a tumble weed making its way through a crowded Saturday night Teheran-ro central Gangnam, Seoul City, South Korea. Yeah. Out of place and awkward as…

Anywho… violin moment over. It also made me realise other things. Like in constantly hanging out with said friend and spending so much time happy together with the guy I had made myself sacrifice so many other things. I have come to realise that I am a really interesting person to some people. I have come to realise that I had spent so much of my time tied to my friend that I didn’t make enough time to meet or to even talk to people outside of my small circle except to say hi and goodbye.

I’ve realised that  if I put myself out there its not going to kill me and that people actually like me… for me rather than just out of respect for my friend. For example in the  weekend just gone I was able to talk for a long time and really connect with a guy who I had met coincidentally through my friend yet had only known him on the surface rather than as a person.

And… you know what… God willing I might look into this person. Because I don’t  feel a tinge of regret at having a little interest in him.

A few months left here in Korea so I may as well live them fully. Doing what makes me absolutely happy.

Like go to church, to fellowship with others, chill with my girls, travel, love my family, reevaluate what love really means to me and also reevaluate whether I’m ready or not to go into this whole realm of love thing or not.

Excited  thoughts, healthy thoughts, thanks for the wings lord, enough of being the side kick… time to be the centre of my own lens.

 

Faafetai Iesu mo aiga, mo uo, mo ou faamanuiaga uma.

 

Thank you Lord for transforming my heart and bringing me right back to you again and to this interesting person who loves you.

Amen

 

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