I never meant to be … Drunk and dramatic

So something that has been weighing pretty heavily on my mind over the past few days i may have been slightly over dramatic in the past week in that i cried over someone who i have come to realise i love and trust and care about way too much.

It’s actually quite hard for me to come to terms with and I am trying my best to try and distance myself from the situation.

Everything that I know based on sense and logic and my experience with romantic comedic movies and such point to me basically being in love with the guy and don’t get me wrong he is an amazing guy and I do love him but ffs… i cannot love him in that way.

And you know what even writing this blog post i still do not even know any reason why i shouldn’t love the guy except that i can’t love the guy and that i really shouldn’t and i don’t know why except that i am scared.

I am scared shitless.

 

What if I really am in love with him.

What if I actually fucking like the guy.

That is not a territory that I ever want to put myself in.

I’m jealous.

I am actually jealous.

How disgusting this is the kind of person I never ever wanted to be as if there was ever a chance or even an inkling of feeling within him that might think of me other than a sister or friend.

 

For fucks sake.

 

Leave me be dammit you amazing person.

You amazing, caring, kind individual.

You intelligent, sensitive, thoughtful child.

You wonderful human being who makes me feel at once safe and insecure at the same time.

Get thee far away from me because you are making me feel uncomfortable with myself.

I’ve been in love before and I did not enjoy it at all.

I made myself vulnerable gave it my all and then all I was left with were the broken pieces of myself to stick back together after giving up my identity as a supportive girlfriend who answered to the whims of one individual.

It’s not a freedom that I am willing to give up at the moment.

Dear God,

please help me to get over this person and get my head straight so that I can see our relationship for what it really is.

A friendship.

 

Friend ship.

Friend.

Fry your friends and that’s the end.

 

Until next time…

 

Yours truly,

 

Chocolate Sasalapa

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