Living on a prayer…

6/5/2015

Good afternoon,

Today marks the 6th day of a weight loss challenge that two friends of mine and I have embarked on. Each day we have been given a challenge to complete alongside diet and exercise.

Yesterdays challenge and todays challenge have given me a lot to ponder.

Todays challenge was to look ourselves seriously in the mirror and say “I love myself”. Even before I had looked in the mirror I realised that I really didn’t. Ciggarette in hand on a Saturday morning after an amazing Friday night couldn’t take away the sinking feeling. The cold fist of reality punched me into my real state of mind.

Why was I smoking? Why was I drinking? What was the happiness that I felt lastnight in that moment?

Many thoughts come to mind.

Three lines of thought that are kinda heavy at the moment:

  1. Yesterdays challenge was to do something that made me feel amazing deep down in my soul. Soul smiling. And honestly in that moment lastnight I felt bliss, I smiled like I have not felt in a long time. I was sitting in a bar, with good friends who I knew would have my back and most of all I was listening to music that reminded me of my dad. My dad who I really love and adore. But at the moment my dad doesn’t want to speak to me because in Korea I broke the promise that I would not drink here.

2. Living in the moment as amazing and astounding and mysterious as it may sound or be is not my reality. Everything that I feel in moments of drunkenness whether it be pure amazement at the love and the life in my surrounding or surges of courageousness 😉 only goes into the next day through memory. Not through actual happiness. With no disrespect to those who live in the moment, this is a personal blog full of… well essentially everything according to me. Though these may ring true with others.

3. Loving myself. I will love myself. I love myself. These mantras will only come into being if I do it properly. In order to do that I have to work hard so that I can become a version of myself that I acutally like and in the long term, love. Loving myself is going to take more that just a moment in time. Because you can’t just leave the parts of yourself that you don’t like on the barstool or the bar counter or at the nightclub in the same way that you discard your receipts, your phone number, your beer bottles or embarassing dance memories.

You are stuck with yourself for life. You follow yourself into the next day. You are there at the end of the carnage of a killer Friday night. You are there after the moment.

You are the one that has to wake up to your reality.

You and I need to take care that we don’t count our days by our moments but by what we choose to do with them.

You are worth more than just one moment.

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