The journey of self discovery…

It is the year 2015 (05/01/2015)

There are so many things that this new year has brought with it. This stuff… comes in waves. This stuff is called stuff because at this stage this speck in my minds eye hasn’t got a title yet.

First of all I have finally completed my studies.

Three years of my life I dedicated to among other things the study of English literature and Samoan studies is now done and dusted (technically completed in 2013…). This past year I finally completed my teaching degree. And so… naturally the next step would be for me to become a teacher in a New Zealand secondary school planning texts, films, research topics, plays, poems, characters, cross cultural encounters etc… for the study of English. Or as I prefer to call it  “Communication Studies”.

“To teach or not to teach? That is the question!”

Very “Insert over used and grimace worthy cliche quote here”… I know, but it fits! And fitting works, fitting is good. Like clothes that hug you without the intention of cutting off your oxygen supply.

And back to teaching.

Teaching as the next logical step after my studies isn’t making ample sense to me on a spiritually, mentally, physically attuned type level. Mind and Soul, body and Spirit. There’s some thing that doesn’t seem to fit.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love teaching. It is an opportunity for me to give back to my community, to MY community. Like an ode to the English nerd and the quest to make English more relevant to a generation that from experience are 75% concerned with everything but their school work (many for very legitimate reasons) and 25% are interested in the art of communication yet don’t want to be seen as the nerd and so feign otherwise. I love the spark, when students light up about a subject even when they are trying their best not to. That moment of an ignited passion or the realisation of a strength or until now undiscovered ability.

This vision that the past four years of study has been leading my entire life towards. Seems absolutely ludicrous to me.

Is this a fantasy? Did I have misconceptions about teaching?

Teaching has been called one of the hardest jobs that a person could ever have. Especially if you want to be the best at what you do.

And that is exactly what I do. I always want to be the best or do my best and I know how exhausting it will be. But a very WORTHWHILE exhaustion. Because I would be in a position to make an actual difference in individuals lives.

And then come the expectations.

As a self proclaimed perfectionist, my expectations of myself can scare even myself at the best of times. And this only in hindsight. (Now there’s a specific land you wouldn’t have to count on returning from).

This is my problem-child, my illness, my pirouetting dark demon that has in the past governed many of my decisions.

And back to teaching take two…:

And it takes me four years of my life to suddenly decide that the passion that has been the focus of my being for far longer than my memories can think to go.

The questions that revolve around my mind are many. My brain seems always immediate. Seeking to categorise and explain this change in the confident emotional draw power that teaching once had over my heart.

  1. Have I had a complete change of mind when it comes to my career path?
  2. Am I unhappy with my current position in life?
  3. Am I trying to run away from my own destiny (teaching)?
  4. Is teaching really what I wanted to do with my life?
  5. Am I going through a mid-twenties life crisis?
  6. Am I being challenged by God in order to discover a truth about myself?
  7. Am I afraid of settling?
  8. Do I believe that teaching is too difficult?
  9. Am I being distracted by the easy path?

And the list goes on.

Obviously there are some pretty serious trains of thought going on right now, most of which, now that I have read them can probably be simplified to actually look like this:

  1. Need to get a grip
  2. Need to be more realistic and less mysterious
  3. Need to live and therefore need money for life necessitie
  4. Need a JOB!

This is the reality. Despite having a teaching degree from graduate school and an undergrad degree that backs this qualification up I still have this huge anticipation of something… More.

This feeling of “more” is of course far from an ungrateful scowl. I just feel a beautiful change in the opportunities, this thing that has no name.

Something big, something amazing, something that cannot be explained.

I am embarking on a brand new chapter in my life. And despite the New Zealand secondary schools showing signs that they already possess enough new fish (i.e not biting when I cast my “teaching line” in their waters).

Whichever way the good lord decides to send me I am glad and I am excited, mind and soul, body and spirit.

Teaching or no teaching.



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