At the moment I have a strange impulse to tell everybody that I am pregnant. Like what is this supposed to mean? I don’t even have a boyfriend with which to procreate. Man this is making me sound like a crazy science loving mom with Asperger syndrome.
Okay you know what else is hugely weird? I have never really been in love . To be fair I love my family, my friends, my God and everything else that comes with this beautiful life.
But there has always been this feeling, this hope, this strange purple void.
I always fantasize about it, being in love and I feel like everything will magically fall into place once I happen upon that one guy who loves me for who I am.
>>>>>>>Please excuse the thick layers of cheese that lather the preceding and following sentences.<<<<<<<<
I have never been asked out.
I have never been romantically involved with anyone.
I am a BIG woman, which is something that I want to work on for me personally. BIG and beautifull
I am comfortably fat (and I am scared of being so comfortably fat that I might disappear off the face of the earth without fulfilling my purpose or without filling my life with different opportunities).
I currently have someone (or two) that I am kind of interested in or have associated with the concept of potential love interest(s).
(note how I refer to these guys, these people as if I am auditioning them for a role in a film… the film of my life…ha!)
The first guy is someone that I actually only started to develop an interest in once I had gotten to know him. We were in the same Samoan class at Victoria University and apparently he is around the same age as me which for some superficial reason is really important. I liked him because he was funny, and at the heart of it was actually just really lovable and not too serious (well he did fight for what he believed in, he defended himself until the end if he thought that he was being offended etcetera).
He was a funny, flirtatious and sexy man, he also had a boyish kind of charm about him, like he still kept in touch with his inner child which I believe is a MUST. Once I realised that this was the case I moved from crushing on him to actually appreciating his presence and his strength in his individuality.
It’s funny how I wish I could tell him these things to his face because they are true to me. At the same time and perhaps regrettably I know that there may not be another chance for me to tell him anything. Then again, what happens after the love is professed? Would the love have then ended? (Do you see how my education in the teaching of the English language, how different texts have somehow catapulted themselves and have formed themselves into physical experiences? How these texts and my actual life and spiritual and psychological experiences have become one in their power to impact upon me?
Over read, under-experienced in life and scared out of my wits by the future… what happens when I become a teacher?)
And these are the insecurities that I need someone to calm, not claim but calm.
Well yes, I guess there are other things that I should probably look at like maybe other aspects of his personality and his looks. But in all honesty I don’t really like guys until I have gotten to know them a bit. Tested the waters.
Getting to know guys however is also a huge problem. I have major trust issues (there, I said it…typical weakness of the modern female) and have built these really high walls around myself so that I feel safe enough that I can hold everyone at a comfortable distance.
Moving on… this guy, this person who is a little bit shorter than me and is quite good looking. Okay maybe he is intensely good looking if I do say so myself (I imagine that he would be pretty pleased with himself if he ever read this and knew that this was about him) has been one of the first that I have let my hair down for. I don't know how or why.
Long winding story cut short (being long winded is my forte, the perfectionist’s curse) about two months ago one of my best friends told me that the said guy, lets call him Nathan, had similar feelings for me and did not have the guts to tell me to my face. To be fair, neither did I and so we are equally to blame nevertheless it makes my brain wrack with frustration to think that we could have been a couple, that I could have gotten to know him a lot more than I know him now, that we could have been great friends. Nathan and I against the… wth??
But this indicates a further problem.
This is my imagination.
This is how I would fantasize our love to have been, I could have supported him in his dreams and he could also support me as I aspire to be a teacher.
There is so much more that my naturally creative juices could add. So many ways that I could mould this situation to suit my worldview. To fulfil my own desires and my own one sided imagined fantastical tale of a developing love…
But this would be meaningless. This love story could not even be half as beautiful as it would have been had I been able to share the writing of this story with someone else. With the funny, strong and strangely vulnerable guy that I was interested in during my undergraduate study.
Wow, this is what it’s like. I actually really admired that dude.
May you never read this heartfelt outpouring…